IPS 3129 
.W465 
06 ^ 



THE MINOR DRAMA 



ONE C0AT™<T¥0 suits 

AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL 

COMIC DRAMA, IN TWO ACTS, 
BY CHARLES M. \VALCOT. 

WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, STAGE BUSINESS, COSTUMES, 
RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c., &c. 



AS PERFORMED AT THE PRINCIPAL THEATRES. 



NEW YORK: 

SAMUEL FRENCH, 

122 Nassau Street, (Up Stairs.) 
PRICE,] [12J CENTS. 



FRiNCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 

Price 12i Cents each.— Bound Volumes $1. 



VOL. I. 

1. Ion 

2. Fazio. 

3. The Lady of Lyons, 

4. Richelieu. 

5. The Wife, 

6. The Honeymoon, 

7. The School for Scandal, 

8. Money. 

With a l*ortrait and Memoir 
of Mrs. A. C. MOW ATT. 

VOL. IV. 

25. Virginias, 

26. King of the Commons, 

27. London Assurance, 

28. The Rent D-iy, 

29. Two Gentlemen of Ve- 

rona, 
.30. The Jealous Wife, 
31. The Rivals, 
3-2. Perfection. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 
of Mr. J. H. HACKETT. 

VOL. VIL 

49. Road to Ruin, 

50. Macbeth, 

51. Temper, 

52. Evadne, 

53. Bertram, 

54. The Duenna, 

55. Much Ado About No- 

thing, 

56. The Critic. 

With a Portrait and Memoir 
of R. B. SHERIDAN. 



VOL. X. 

73. Henry VHI., 

74. Mtfrriad and Single, 

75. Henry IV., 

76. Paul Pry, 

77. Guy M tnnering, 

78. Sweethearts and Wives, 

79. Serious Family, 

80. She Stoops to Conquer. 
VVithaPortraitMnd Memoir 

of Miss, ecus I MAN. 

VOL. XIIL 

97. S:)ldier's Daughter, 

98. DDUglas, 
98. Marco Spida, 

100. Nature's Nobleman, 

101. S irdan;ipiilus, 
lOi. Civilization, 

103. The Rni»bers, 

104. K;it!iarino& Petruchio 
With a Portr :it .ind Memoir 

of EDWIN FOREST. 



VOL. IL 

9. The Stranger, 

10. Grandfather Whitehead 

11. Richard HI., 

12. liove's Sacrifice, 

13. The Gamester, 

14. A Cure (or the Heartache 

15. The Hunchback, 

16. Do;i (Caesar de Bazan. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 

of Mr. CIIAS. KEAN. 

VOL. V. 

33. A New Way to Pay Old 

Debts, 
-34. Look Before You Leap, 

35. King John, 

36. Nervous Man, 

37. Dimon and Pythins, 

38. Clandestine ^larrlage, 

39. William Tell, 

40 Day after the Wedding. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 
of G. COLMAN the Elder. 

VOL. VIIL 

57. The Apostate, 
53. Twelfth Night, 

59. Brutus, 

60. Simpson & 'o , 

61. Merchant of Venice, 

62. Old Heads and Young 

Hearts, 

63. Mountaineers, 

64. Three Weeks after Mar- 

riage. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 
of Mr. GEO. H. BARRETT. 

I VOL. XL 

181. Julius Ca;.sa,r, 

82. Vict r of Wakefield, 

83. Leap Year, 

84. The Calspaw. 

85. The Passing Cloud, 

86. Drunkard, 
j87. Rob Roy, 
!88. Georae Barnwell, 

With a Portrait and Memoir 
of Mrs. JOHN SP.FTON. 

VOL. XIV. 

105. Game f Love, [Dream. 

106. A Midsummer Night's 

107. Ernestine, 

108. Rag Picker of Paris, 

109. Flying Dutchman, 

110. Hypocrite, 
HI. Therese, 
112 LaTourdeNesle. 
WitliM Portrnitand Memoir 

of JOHN BROUGHAM. 



\ Catalogue continued on third paffe 



VOL. III. 

17. The Poor Gentleman, 

18. Hamlet, 

19. Charles IL, 

20. Venice Preserved, 

21. Pizarro, 

22. 'J'he Love Chase, 

23. Othello, 

24. Lend Me Five Shillings 
With a Portrait and Memoir 

of Mr W E. BUHTON. 

VOL. VL 

41. Speed the Plough, 

42. Komeo and Juliet, 

43. Feudal Times. 

44. (Charles the Twelfth. 

45. The Bridal, 

46. The Follies of a Night, 

47. The Iron Chest, 

48. Faint Heart Never Won 

Fair Lady. 
Wfth a Portrait tind Memoir 
of E. BULWER LYTTON. 

VOL. IX. 

65. Love, 

66. As You Like It, 

67. The Elder Brother, 

68. Werner, 

69. Gisippus, 

70. Town and Country, 

71. King Lear, 

72. Blue Devils, 

With aPortrait and Memoir 
of Mrs. SHAW. 



VOL. XIL 

89. Ingomar, 

90. Sketches in India. 

91. Two Friends, 

92. Jane Shore. 

93. Corsica n Brothers, 

94. Mind your own Business 

95. Writing on the Wall, 

96. Heir at Law, 

With a Portrait and Memoir 
of THOMAS HAMBLIN. 

VOL. XV. 

113. Ireland as it I«, 

114. Sea of Ice, \ 

115. Seven Clerks, 

116. Game of Life, 

117. Forty Thieves 

118. Bryan Boroihme, 

119. Romance and Reality, 

120. Ugolino. 

With a Portrait and Memoir 
of BARNEY WILLIAMS 
of cover.] 



THE MINOR DRAMA. 

No. CXIII. 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS, 



AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL 



COMIC DRAMA, IN TWO ACTS. 



BY 



CHARLES M. WALCOT, 

Author of " The Customs of the Country^'''' ^^Tatience and Fersevei'ance, 
"^ Good Fellow,'' ^' .Uiawatha;' dc, die, &c., cC'C. 



TO WHICH ARE ADDED, 

A Description of the Costumes— Cast of the Characters— Entrances and Exits- 
Relative Positions of the Terformers on the Stage, and the whole of the 
Stage Busig^s. 



s(;v,7*. 



-J 

SAMUEL F R^^^C H , 

122 Nassau-St. — Ui^ Stairs. 






Cast of t!)e atljKvacUxu — (Onk Coat for Two Suits.) 



AS PERFORMED AT WALLACK'S THEATRE, N. Y., 1857. 



3fr. Miles Ilarhjrman Mr. G. Holland 

Mr. Galliard Gaffles Walcot 

Mr. Slim Jeffries 

Mr. Dahfist Owen 

Jemmy Peters 

Stephen De Silveria 

Mrs. Puncto Mrs. Sylvester 

Jemima Puncto Miss C. Thompson 

Nelly Nab Mary Gannon 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Guests, Waiters, &c. 

Scene — 1st Act, New- York ; 2d Act, Staten Island. 

Time of Action — One Day. Period — The Present, 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

L. means First Entrance, Left. R. First Entrance, Right. S. E. L. 
Second Entrance, Left. S. E. R. Second Entrance, Fight. U. E. L. 
Upper Entrance, Left. U. E. R. Upper Entrance, Right. C. Centre. 
L. C. Left of Centre. R. C. Right of Centre. T. E. L. Third Entrance, 
Left. T. E. R. Third Entrance, Right. G. D. Centre Door. D. R. 
Foor Right. D. L. Foor Left. U. D. L. Upper Door, Left. U. D. R. 
Upper Door, Fight. 

*** The Reader is supposed to he on the Stage, facing the Audience. 

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the Year One Thousand Eight Hundred and Fifly-Seren, by 
Charlbs M. Walcot, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern 
District of New York. 



r 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 



ACT I. 

Scene I. — Handsome hut plain chamber in last cut of \-:-Practi cable 
door in c. flat. At rise of curtain, small hell rings in room, c. f., and 
after a pause, rings agai7i violently, Mr. Martvkman shouting in 
room, c. F. 

Martyrman. Stephen ! Stephen ! Stephen, I say ! 

Enter Stephen, running, l. 1 e. 

Stephen. Coming, sir, coming. [Enters room, c. f, 

Mart. [In roo7n, flercely.J Take away those infernal, abominable, out- 
rageous, ungotup articles of small linen, or I shall tear them piecemeal, 
and strew the public streets with the shreds. 

Enter Stephen, /rom d. c. f., with tumbled shirts over his arm. 

Stephen. [Hurriedly.'] Seven fine shirts totally massacred 1 — my eye, 
what a washing-bill for next week ! Hurray ! soapsuds is up. 

[Exit, running, r. 1. 
Mart. [In room, c. f.] Stephen ! Stephen I Stephen 1 

Enter Stephen, running, r. 1. 

Coming, sir, coming ! 

[ When he gets to d. c. f., Martyrman throws a dozen or more muslin 
cravats over him. 
Mart. Away with 'em — bury 'em — bum 'em all. 

[Exit into room, d. c. f. 
Stephen. [Picking up cravats.] Oh, lor ! here's a go ! Eight, nine, 
ten — why, there's over a dozen ! If he goes on, at this rate, with his 
cravats, what'll he do when his stock gives out 1 
Mart. Stephen, you scoundrel! 
Stephen. That's me again, sir ! 
Mart. [Appearing at d. c. f.] Take that, and that. 

iThrowing first one and then another pair of pantaloons on Stephen, 
then disappearing. 
Stephen. Oh, if this is his game, I may as well wait till he gets 
through with his whole wardrobe, and then he must stop from bare 
necessity. 



4 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Mart. Stephen ! Stephen ! 

Stephen. Coming, sir, coming ! 

\^Rxms towards d. c. f., aiid cv.counters Mr. Martyrman, wlxo enters 
in mor7ii7)g-goivn, and is nearly knocked down by Stephen. 

Mart. Take care, you blundering rascal ! 

Stephen. I beg your pardon, sir, I was hurrying 

Mart. Of course you were ; you're always hurrying, except when 
you're most wanted. Everything seems to go contrary with me to-day. 
I've failed signally with thirteen neck-ties ; seven shirts, with unruffled 
bosoms, have dashed their buttons from their necks and wrists : I spilt 
a whole bottle of Macassar over two new pairs of fancy kerseymere 
pants, and have now to succumb to an ignominous defeat by my third 
pair of patent leather boots. But, never mind — I'll not suffer a few ob- 
durate articles of apparel to disturb the natural serenity of my dispo- 
sition on a day fraught with so many tender hopes and fears ; so, 
Stephen, I'll wear my last new pair of shoes. You may apply any 
celebrated detergent you please upon the Macassar'd kerseys, and 
reward yourself for your trouble by wearing them afterwards ; commend 
the disordered shirts and neck-ties to the renewed energies of the laun- 
dress, and bless your stars that you are favored with a master, who is 
superior to the machinations of refractory garments. 

Stephen. Yes, sir; thank you, sir. Please, sir, this note came just 
as you rang your bell. \^Gives letter. 

Mart. I hope it's nothing to delay me, for I'm rather late already. 
\^Opening note.'l Eh! bless me, the characters are feminine ! — how my 
heart beats I — if it should be from Jemima ! — It is ! — no. it isn't — yes, it 
is ; it is from Jemima, senior. Bless me, what's this 1 How lucky I 
got it before I started Why, Stephen, Mrs. Puncto, the mother of my 
intended wife, your future mistress, tells me that her little friendly pic- 
nic party, which I am going to from her house on Staten Island, has 
unexpectedly assumed a more important aspect, by the arrival of some 
distinguished acquaintances ; and that in honor of me, think of that — 
" of me I" — there will be a grand ball and supper in the evening. — 
[Reads.'] " I write you this, that you may prepare yourself accordingly, 
for every one is to be in full dress, and I presume you would not like 
to find yourself without the requisite, nay,,indispensable attire, to join in 
the festivities of the evening." — Of course not — sensible and consider- 
ate creature — ^join in the festivities! I should think so, indeed : dancing 
going on, and I not in the midst of it ! I should like to catch any one 
else dancing with my Jemima; I should be ready to slay him, if he were 
my very nearest of kin. Besides, what would people think if a man of 
my property and position should appear in the ball-room in undress 1 
What would be Mrs. Puncto's feelings 1 — she, the most exacting of wom- 
en, in points of etiquette! — why, she would banish me her house, tear 
Jemima from my arms — in the excess of her outraged feelings, set the 
watch-dog at me, beyond the shadow of a doubt! I turn all over goose's 
flesh, when I think of it Deuced lucky I got the note in time, though, 
or, of course, I should never have dreamt of taking a dress suit with me, 
when all the party I expected was a pic-nic in the open air ; but now 
I'm prepared ; so, Stephen, put up everything appertaining to my full 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 5 

dress, and I'll take them with me. For my morning costume, I shall 
don the light and airy, as best suited to the season ; but be careful to 
neglect nothing that will render my evening attire invulnerable to the 
nicest scrutiny ; for the leader of ton at Almack's itseif i« not more par- 
ticular than I am, in point of dress, where dress is the point of eti- 
quette. 

Stephen. Oh ! depend on me, sir ; I'll put everything up, and I'll 
warrant that no one in the party shall be more thoroughly full-dressed 
than you. Hadn't I better go with you, sir, to assist you in making 
your toilet for the ball, and in case of any accident? 

Mart. No, Stephen, no ; that would appear like affectation ; though 
the affair is evidently intended to be conducted with scrupulous care, 
everything must be done as if it occurred by accident ; so I'll take my 
evening dress in a valise, on the boat with me. Near my intended mo- 
ther-in-law's house there is a hotel, and there I can secure a room, and 
when the pleasures of the day are over, I can array myself for the bail. 

[J. knock is heard at d. h. \ }£.. 

Stephen. Shall I see who it is, sirl 

Hart. Yes, do — stay, I'll retire ; — no, never mind. [Stephen goes to 
D L. 1.] No disappointment, I hope — no further change of programme. 

Stephen. If you please, sir, here's a boy with a note. 

Mart. Oh! is that alH Give it me, and let him wait. [Stephen 
givcfi Mart. note. ] Why, I declare, it's the hand of my eccentric and 
perpetually penniless friend, Gailiard Gaffles. What new scrape or 
difficulty is he in, I wonder T \^Reads.'\ " Most meritorious and munifi- 
cent Martyrman, assist an affectionate and afflicted acquaintance, almost 
annihilated by a series of savage shocks, such as superhuman sagacity 
can scarcely suppose superable. In fact, lend me a coat, a dress coat, 
dearest Mart., or I'm irretrievably, inextricably, and infallibly ruined ! 
I have an invitation to a party this evening, at which I must appear in 
full dress. Three days ago, I ordered the requisite garment of four 
several and distinct tailors, not one of whom keeps faith with me. 'A 
coat, a coat, my kingdom for a coat I' Your grateful 

" Gaffles. 

" P.S. This is the night, that either makes me, or the t'other quite. 

"G. G. 

" N.B. She's all my fancy painted her, she's lovely, .she's divine, 
and she's twenty thousand dollars, too, therefore she must be mine. 

" G. — ." 
Ha, ha, ha ! well, I never did know such a fellow in all my life ; I 
don't believe a day passes but poor Gailiard is in some trouble or other 
that would be utter ruin if I didn't help him out of it. But, bless me, 
between his " P. S." and his '• N. B." it appears he's in a fair way to 
better fortune ; there's evidently a lady in tlie case, and twenty thou- 
sand dollars to boot ! Good luck to you, old fellow! It shall never be 
said that Miles Martyrman was a stumbling-block in your way. Here, 
Stephen, get my second-best dress coat and yive it to the boy, with my 
very best com[)liments and regards to Mr. Gallles, and heartiest wishes 
for his success. I haven't time to write a note — but mind, my hear- 
tiest wishes for his success. 



6 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Stephen. Yes, sir. It's lucky your new dress suit came home this 
morning, sir, or Mr. Gaffles wouldn't fare so well as he will. 

\_Exit, D. L. F. 

Mart. Poor Galliard ! I hope he has all the other requisites for his 
conquest. It's deuced odd that we should both be bound at the same 
time on a mission of the heart. He little thinks that I'm about to per- 
petrate matrimony, for I've kept it a profound secret from every one ; 
how he will go on when he does know it ! Ha, ha, ha ! His is a 
twenty thousander, too, I declare — just the fortune of my Jemima. 
Cod ! I long to congratulate him, for I'm sure he'll succeed, and so he 
ought, for he's a fine, honorable fellow ; and then he has such a bold, 
dashing way with him — sticks at nothing to accompUsh his purpose. 

Re-enter Stephen, d. l. f., with coat. 

That's right, Stephen, give it to the boy, and remember, my heartiest 
wishes for his master's success ; then follow me to my room, and hey ! 
for joy, jollity, and Jemima. \^Exit, c. d. f. 

Stephen. [^Gives coat out at D. L. 1 E.] Good-by, second-best dress ; 
make my kind regards to our black pants and while vest when you get 
together again at Mr. Gaffles', for I shall never have the pleasure of 
seeing either of you in this house any more — that's cock sure. 

\^Exit, c. D. 

Scene II. — A poor attic in 3 — A coi-hedslead and bedding l. c, at h. of 
lohich aiartre clothes-horse — A common table and chairs r. 7iearjlat ; set 
door R. 2d e. — Gaffles discovered sitting up on end of bed wrapped in 
cloak, smoking a short pipe, and reading. 

Gaff. {^Reading.'] " 'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother" — for 
which I may read : 'tis not alone a good dress coat I'd borrow — for here 
I sit with pride and feelings mangled, while my only shirt is being 
ironed, and even for that I am indebted to the tender susceptibilities of 
my landlady's daughter, to whom, having nothing else to pawn for pay- 
ment, I have been compelled to pledge my hand and heart, tho' that 
heart it is another's, and never can be hers. I daren't trust any regular 
practitioner among washerwomen with my custom any longer, or before 
I could efiect a change of garments for myself, she would insist on my 
securing a little change to her. Why do such people ever marry 1 or, 
marrying, Vv^hy have children ! Why, only to torment their employers ; 
they're all in a league, I'm convinced of it. [ never ov^'ed a washerwoman 
a dollar in all my life, but she made her children the excuse for pressing 
for payment, allho' the only member of her family I was ever ocularly 
convinced of the existence of, was her " little Bill." Shakspeare says, 
" \\'hat's in a name !" — I say, Everything. Dickens certainly achieved 
an immense popularity for his little Nell, but is any man bold enough 
to assert that even Boz could create an equal furor in favor of a " little 
Bill !" Preposterous ! [_^ knock at d. u. 2 e.] Who's there"? 

^'cUy. [Outside.} It's me, Mr. G.— Nelly. 

Gaff'. \_Singm(j.] " Speak, Nelly, speak — is my shirt donel" 

Nclli/. [Stnging.] '• Long ago, long ago." 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS, 7 

Gaff. Then hold on, my adorable, for two consecutive seconds, and I 
will render myself acceptable in the sight of the most devoted and in- 
valuable of her sex. [Ju7nps out of bed and puts on slippers. 

Nelly. Can't you open the door and take the shirt, Mr. G. ! I'm 
afraid to stay out here for fear mother should see me. 

Gaff. [^Going to d. r. 2.] Then come in here, my angel; [^Opcns door 
and lets in Nelly v:ith shirt.~\ and who stirs one step to follow thee, 
dies on the spot. ^Attempts to embrace her. 

Nelly. O Mr. G. ! don't— you forget — \_Points to shirt. 

Gaff'. True, my darling, but tho' my bosom's there, my heart's here ; 
and (5 Nelly ! you, I know, have every confidence in the amplitude of 
the folds of this cloak, for you have brushed it often ; but you do not 
know, that were I to give vent, full vent to the feeling which agitates 
this heart on your account, this breast would swell until this three 
quarter circle became as tight a fit as a post-boy's unmentionables. 

Nelly. Oh, for shame ! what would mother say, Mr. G., if she was to 
hear you 1 

Gaf. Nelly, fathers have flinty heads, mothers ditto — videlicet, your 
mother ; she never propitiates her lodger with a little wash ; her 
bosom never warms towards me, nor her flat-irons towards my shirts, 
except when they reflect the glow of your kind heart and generous 
hand. Shall I then forego the natural ebullition of my gratitude 1 shall 
I look with indirterence on the box plaits of that artistically got up 
bosom, and stifle in my own the many hose and handkerchiefs that have 
owed their timely renovation to those dear hands ? — or all the buttons 
that have sprung from you, shall they be washed in Lethe and forgotlenl 
Never, Nelly ! " Perdition catch my soul but I do love thee, and when 
I love thee not, chaos is come again." [Aside.^ Phugh ! 

Nelly. Oh, Mr. G. ! you are so romantic, and then, what's worse, 
you're such a gay man that I darcs'nt hardly believe what you say for 
fear you should be only fooling of me. 

Gaff. Fooling I— 

"Doubt that the stars are fire, 
Doubt that the sun doth move, 
Doubt truth to be a liar, 
But never doubt my love." 
[Aside.'] All that for one shirt! it's liberal pay for a dozen pieces. 

Nelly. Well I don't know much about the stars, but I ain't so green 
as to doubt that the sun moves, because I've seen it rise and set often ; 
and I'm sure I shouldn't think of such rudeness as to call any one a liar, 
only I should like to be quite sure of hearing the truth, that's all. 
Mercy knows I'm sick enough of drudging away my life in this old 
lodging-house ; and mother ain't so extra afl'ectionate as to make me 
afraid of clianging my natural protector, and as you've promised so 
often — [Sii/iperiuff, and turnhiy coyly away. 

Gaff. [Aside.] Oh, the devil ! she's getting on ticklish ground. I 
must diplomatize. [Aloud.] As I've so often promised to make yoa 
mine, my darling, 1 shall but accomplitjh the bold stroke of fortune which 
this evening presents to me, and she whom I adore shall be my own 
forever. 



8 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Nelhj. But what is this grand fortune that you expect, Mr. G. 1 and 
where is it to come from ' 

Gaff. A political mystery, my angel, which I dare not divulge even to 
you, until my part of it is accomplished. Sufiice it that this evening the 
high contracting parties are to meet at the country mansion of our 
leader on Staten Island, whither I am commanded to repair, and whence 
I shall return as good as booked for twenty thousand dollars. Much 
depends upon my capacity to sustain m.y supposed character of a man 
of independence ; hence my anxiety touching the divers articles of 
apparel which are to make up the interesting ensemble of my toilet. 
To thee, thrice gentle Nelly, am I indebted for this, the snow-flake's 
rival. {Taking shirt from Nelly.'] My fidus Achates, id est, Miles Mar- 
tyrman, whose excellent black kerseymere pants and white vest I have 
fortunately not yet returned, will, 1 am confident, send me the dress 
coat for which I have appealed to him " as a man and a brother ;" and 
thus attired, tho' Jove with all his thunders bar my course, yet spite of 
fate young Gaffles will lead on. {Rushes tlieatricaUy heldnd clothes- 
horse ; Nelly makes a feint to rnnovt, crying, Oh !] Don't retire, dearest 
— I shall be perfectly invisible in this impromptu dressing-room ; there, 
observe that. [Hangs coimterpane, which he has dragged off' bed, over 
?iorse.} Ingenious, isn't it 1 

Nelly. Very. 13ut I say, Mr. G., why I declare you'll be full dressed, 
won't you^ jest as if you was going to a ball or a sworry. I didn't 
know gentlemen folks went in full dress except where ladies was at 
the party. [Suspiciously.] There ain't no ladies concerned in your politi- 
cal mystery, is there Mr. G. ! 

Gaff. [Dressing Ichind horse.] Not so much as a thread of a petti- 
coat, my adorable, in the present instance, though I confess that old 
women form no inconsiderable figure in some political parties. 

Nelly. [Aside.] I don't much like his political mystery, as he calls it, 
for all that; and I more than half suspect it is a suwrry he's a-going to, 
and perhaps by appointment to meet some gal. Oh ! if I could only be 
sure it was, wouldn't I bust out on him ! I'd soon let him see, he 
can't fool me. But hark ! there's some one on the stairs. 

Gaff, You're not gone, darling, are you 1 

Nelly. Oh, no ! I ain't gone, Mr. G. [Aside.] You'll find I'm around 
when you don't expect me, if you cut up any shines with me, I'll bet a 
quarter. [Kitock at door, r. 2 e.] There's a knock at the door, Mr. G. ; 
shall I see who it is 1 

Gaff. Do, dearest ; but if it's " httle Bill," don't let him in on any 
account. 

Nelly. [Goes to door, n. 2 e., and brings in coat.] Oh, it's the coat 
you sent for, Mr. G. ; shall I hand it to youl 

Gaff. Magnanimous Martyrman 1 No, dearest ! lay it on the table ; 
I shall not put it on now. 

[Burins tJds speech, Nelly, ivhen phicing the coat on table, r. c, 
sees a note, ivhich she snatches tip, and reads to herself in great 
agitation. 
It is important that while in the city I should exhibit no show of prep- 
aration, lest the hawk's eyes of my political adversaries should peer 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 9 

through my design ; therefore I shall be seen about in my usual daily 
costume until the hour of my departure for Staten Island, by which time, 
you, m}' priceless jewel, will, I know, have all the important articles 
for my evening costume nicely packed up in my carpet-bag, with which 
I can jump into a stage, pop aboard the boat, dress at the hotel, and 
then, hey ! for the light fantas ahem ! the councils of my country. 

Nellij. l[Wluspering wiih suppressed rage.'] I knew it ; I was sure of 
it; I felt it in my bones. iReads] "Dear Mr. Gaflles, excuse the 
shortness of the notice, and like a good-natured creature as you always 
are, ^Shakes her fist at screen.] complete the most distingue set in 
our ball to-morrow evening. Jemima desires me to say she will hold 
herself engaged to you for the first polka, maugre all gallants. Yours, 
dear Mr. G., as ever. J. Puncto, 

Lily Lodge, Staten Island, Wednesday." 
And this is Thursday ! the ball's to-night ; and he's to polk with 
Jemima and maugre all the gallants ; yes, he shall, but if I don't maugre 
Jemima, even if maugre's deadly p/.srm, my name ain't Nell Nab. As for 
you, you perjured rattlesnake, I'll fix you otT, I'll warrant — he's coming. 
\^Ruiis to tabic, R. c, and puts note on it. 

Gaff. \_Singm^ behind screen.] 

Of all the days that's in the week, 
I dearly love but one day. 

Nelly. Yes, Thursday. [Aside. 

Gaff. And that's the day that comes between 
A Saturday and Monday. 

Nelly. Between a Wednesday and a Friday. 

Gaff. For then I'm dress'd all in my best, 
To walk abroad with Nelly, 

Nelly. Polk with Jemima — you pis'nous centipede ! 

Gaff. {^Coming forward and kisnng Nelly's hand.] 
She is the darling of my heart, 
As here I am to tell you. 
There, my angelic, am I a beef-eater now 1 But where's the token of my 
Damon's friendship 1 my Martyrman's coat — " Come, let me clutch thee.'' 

Nell. It's on the table, sir. [Aside] Oh, the alligator ! 

Gaff. [Taking up coat., sees note — Aside.] Destruction ! — the invita- 
tion ! [Crams it into his pocket.] If she has seen it, I'm a gone goose, 
for, as Mrs. Malaprop says, "she'll dissolve my mystery." [Gaily.] 
Ah, by all my hopes, a coat as is a coat ! munificent Martyrman ! 
" A fit ! a fit, a very palpable fit 1" [Putlino- it on table. 

Nelly. Yes, I guess you'll have a rare fit when you come to put that 
on, sir. 

Gaff. [Aside.] ** Sir !" that sounds suspicious. Sweet saint of 
sympathy, \ know how you rejoice at the prospect of my triumph ; 
accept your true knight's thanks ; add but to your generous devotion 
the task of packing up my requisites in yon carpet-bag, and bind me 
yours, forever. 

Nelly. Oh, yes, I'll pack up your carpet-bag, sir. 

Gaff. Sir, again ! she has a slight sniff of a rat, I'm afraid. [Aside. 

Nelly. I sha'n't forget the requisites for full dress, you may depend 
on it, Mr. G. 



10 ■ ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Gaff. No, no, it's all right, she don't suspect. [Aside.] I know it, my 

own ; for you I rush to arms — to you I shall owe my triumph, my sweet 

ally, my Bosquet, my Pellissier, adieu! And this. [Kissing her.] and 

this, the greatest discord he, that e'er our hearts shall know. 

" Now go we in content" 

To twenty thousand up from not a cent. [Exit R. d. 2 e. 

Nelly. [Stands choking for a mommt, then sinks doivn on the stage in 
a burst of tears.] Oh, this is too much ! why don't I expire on to the 
spoti or change into some rampageous wild beast, or thaw and dissolve 
myself into a Jew ? for no Christian can survive such villainy ! This is 
his political mystery— this is his fortune of twenty thousand dollars ; 
the monster's making love to Jemima! — he'll marry Jemima! — he's 
going to polk with Jemima, and I'm to pack up the requisites — and he's 
to maugre the gallants too, the wretch ! [Starts vp.] I've a great mind 
to go to the police, and inform against him, for I'm pretty sure that's 
arson, or arsenic, or something unconstitutional ; but no, let him go 
on— let him maugre the whole ball-room, and I'll be there to see the 
vison work. My cousin. Jemmy, helps at the hotel— I'll go to him — I'll 
be near the traitor — I'll poke him, I warrant. Aha ! he's left me to 
pack up his requisites — he can't go to the ball without them requisites. 
Oh ! haven't I got him there 1 I'll lay a trap to catch him— it's hatch- 
ing here already — expose him to the whole company ; then I'll maugre 
Jemima, and rush into the sea — up to my armpits. 

[^Rushes out at d. r. 2. 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

Scene \.— Gardens o/Mrs. Puncto's hov,se. Houf^e sei obliquely, L. H.» 
from 2 /o 4 E. ; long French windows to ground. 

Enter Mrs. Puncto, Jemima, and Martyrman, r. 2 e., laughing. 

Mrs. P. (c.) Oh — ha, ha, ha! my dear Martyrman, you are so droll 
— I declare you are too much for me. [To Jemima — aside.] Laugh, Miss, 
or dread ray anger. [Jemima, l , laughs mechanically and gloomily. 

Mart, (r.) Oh — ha, ha, ha ! don't say so, mother-in-law, if I may 
make so bold as to call you so, with Miss J.'s permission. 

Mrs. P. Certainly, my dear sir, by all means. [Aside, to Jemima.] 
Say by all means, or tremble. 

Jei7i. By all means, or tremble. 

Mart. Lor ! bless ine. Miss ! tremble at what ■? 

Mrs. P. Ah ! ha, ha, ha ! the foolish child — excuse her, Mr. M., 
[Aside, to Jemima.] Huzzy ! — She's been poring over an absurd book 
of cross readings, and the silly thing applies them in conversation. 

Mart. Oh, is that all 1 Well, as long as she don't apply to us any 
cross sayings, we needn't mind the cross readings, mother-in-law. 

Mrs. 'p. Oh, good again ! Admirable ! ha, ha, ha ! Exquisite, my 
dear M. [Aside, to Jemima.] Say exquisite, idiot ! 



ONE COAT FOR TT/0 SUITS. 11 

Jem. Exquisite, id 

Mrs. P. [Stoppiiiff /ler.] Ahem ! Oh. I shall be the death of the 
fool ! Your wit is so ready, my dear Martyrman, tliat I declare one is 
never prepared for you. But there, run away, do, and get dressed : 
since you've been so foolish as to leave your valise at the hotel, you'll 
not have more than time to make yourself smart by the hour we shall 
commence dancing, and you know, of course, you must open the ball 
with Jemima. I wouldn't have her dance the first set with any one 
else for the universe. 

Mart. Oh, thank you, mother-in-law, if I may make so bold. I'm 
sure you're too good ; mercy knows I wouldn't miss the honor of lead- 
ing off with Miss Jemima for twenty universe^es. After such a delight- 
ful day as we've had, too, for it has been a most happy day, hasn't it, 
ladies ? 

Mrs. P. Oh, charming, my dear M., — main thanks to you, I'm sure, 
beautiful ! [Aside, to Jemima.] Say beautiful, monkey ! 

Jem. [Spitcfulli/.'\ Beautiful, monkey ! 

Mart. My gracious. Miss ! 

Mrs. P. [Gives a slight screa77i.'] Ah! the wretched child! How 
dare you, miss, how dare you, even by accident, suffer such words to 
escape you 1 

Mart. [Soothingly.'] Oh, never mind, mother-in-law, don't scold the 
young lady ; that did sound a little more like a cross saying than a 
cross reading ; but never mind, I'm sure it was only a lapsus lingo, as 
we say in the classics. 

Mrs. P. [Affecting tears.'] You're very good, my dear M., — too good, 
I'm sure ; but for me, I'm so delicately nervous and sensitive, that such 
rude shocks shatter me to the very pericardium. 

Mart. Lor bless me, mum ! you don't say so ! [Aside.'] What a 
hard word ! I wonder what she's shattered 1 

[Looks about Mrs. Puncto. 

Mrs. P. This cruel child is aware of my infirmity, and shouldn't 
trifle with my weakness, when she knows that even the slightest alarm 
produces the most violent agitation of the sternon. 

[Laying her hand on her chest. 

Mart. You don't say so ! Well, I declare we ought to be very care- 
ful, for if you should be taken so in the ball-room what a bustle there'd 
be. 

Mrs. P. Oh, don't be alarmed, my dear sir ; I can command myself 
in emergency, though the effort might prove fatal afterwards. Say no 
more ; don't let my weakness distress you ; to-night all must be joy and 
liappiness, so begone, my excellent friend, and hasten to return to 
receive from me in the presence of the assembly the hand of my un- 
gracious child. 

Mart. Oh, don't now, mothtr-in-law, don't, I beseech you, don't talk 
in that way ; I can't hear Miss Jemima called ungracious, and for me — 
nor you mustn't be angry with her. neither, that will never do on such 
a night as this. Come, mother-in-law, kiss and be friends — now do ; 
that's the way I always do, whenever I have a fall out, because I al- 
ways do unto others as I'd be done by, when I get a good chance. 



12 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Mrs. P. Amiable creature, say no more — Child, I forgive you. 

\_Embraces Jemima. 

Mart. Oh, that's right, mother-in-law ; I declare you make me feel 

quite motherly myself ; — if I only dared — Oh, Miss 

\_Apj)roaching Jemima as if to kiss her — She draws herself up and 
frowns at him. 
No — it's no go — she agitates my peggylatherum too. [JExit, 1 e. l. 

Mrs. P. [^Turning fiercely on Jemima.] Now, huzzy, tell me how you 
dare to behave in this disgraceful manner to that excellent creature 1 

Jem. Excellent jackanapes! How can you, ma, place me in a posi- 
tion to behave in any way to such a miserable idiot] 

Mrs. P. Rebellious ingrate ! — he has fifty thousand dollars. 

Jem. And a hundred thousand blemishes. Have I not a fortune of 
m}' own, quite large enough to entitle me to a choice, where my own 
happiness is concerned ? 

Mrs. P. You'll break my heart, you wretched girl ! — refuse a hus- 
band you can do as you please with 1 — but, I'll not endure your capri- 
cious whims : even now, I almost fear you have frightened him ofi'; but 
if the little flirtation which I desire you to affect with Mr. Gaffles, this 
evening, should succeed in urjiing Miles to press the celebration of your 
nuptials, not a week shall elapse ere you are Mrs. iMartyrman. So 
away to your toilet, and make yourself as fascinating as possible, that 
this evening may set my mind at rest. [Exit in house, l. u. e. 

Jem. It shall, mamma, upon that point, at any rate ; but let me review 
my position, before I enter into the final action. Mamma is profoundly 
ignorant of my dear Galliard's sentiments towards me, and of mine to- 
wards him ; and in her blindness, invites him here this evening, to stimu- 
late, by a little harmless flirtation, as she thinks it, the somewhat blunted 
purpose of the odious Martyrman. I, fearing some untimely denouement 
from the violence of Galliard's temper, have kept him in ignorance that 
he has a rival, and to-night they must meet ; then let the contest rage, 
and, should the claims run even, I know who has the casting vote. 

{Exit in house, l. u. e. 



Scene H. — Plain 2 door chamber in 1 
Enter Gafflks, followed hj Jemmv, xvilh carpel-hag. 

Gaff. Now, waiter, make haste and show me my room ; there's a good 
fellow, for I haven't more than ten minutes to dress in. 

Jemmy. Yes, sir, here's the very room itself, sir ; shall I be after put- 
ting your carpet-bag inside, sir ! 

Gaff. Yes, do. Jemmy. 

Jemmy. I shall, sir. {Puts harj in room, n. l. f. 

Gaff. Victoria! Victoria I — here T am, and vvitliin half an hour of re- 
conunencing my long-suspended bombardment of my Jemima's heart. 
Fortune but keep mamma Puneto still blind to my altack, until the 
breastworks of my Jemima's scruples are broken through, and the cita- 
del's my own. 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 



13 



Enter Jemmy, /rom l. d. f. 

Gaff. Jemmy, how far is it to Lily Lodtre 1 

Jemmy. Is it Mrs. Puncto's house you're after meaning, sirl 

Gaff. The same ; do I require a conveyance to reach it ! 

Jemmy. Oh ! sure, I think not, sir ; a smart active pedestrian like the 
likes of ye, needn't be after axing a cast for that far, I'm sure. 

Gaff. That far — how far? 

Jimmy. Next door, sir. 

Gaff. Go to the devil ! 

Jemmy. Yes, sir ; may be you know how far that is, sir ; will I want 
a conveyance ! 

Gaff. You require a lift, at any rate. \^Kicks at him. 

Jemmy. [Jumping on 07ie side] Long life to your honor ! You're 
always ready to lift your foot to lend a poor fellow a helping hand. 

[Exit. L. 1 E. 

Gaff. Now for my toilet ; and then, my three divinities — Jemima, 
Terpsichore, and Fortune — I'm thine. [Dances into room. l. d. f. 

3nter Martyrmax from room, r. f. ; he is full dress'd, except his coat. 

Mart. Confound that stupid fellow Stephen, he hasn't sent my 
Macassar oil, and I can never go into a ball-room with my head in this 
condition — it's little better than a mop. Where the deuce are all the 
waiters I I've rung my bell till I suppose I've broken it, and no one 
comes. Ah ! a lucky thought ! young Poodletop is dressing in No. 
85, on the floor above this ; he's sure to have plenty of hair oil. Gad ! I'll 
run and ask him to accommodate me . I'd better put a coat on, though, 
in case I should encounter any of tho ladies. 

[Runs into room, r. f., and brings out white linen coat, which he has 
previously worn. 
This will do. [Puts it on.] Better not risk my new dress black till I've 
oiled my hair. So now, young Poodletop, have at you. [E.vit, r. 1 e. 

Jemmy enters, followed by Nelly, l. 1 e. cautiously, and lehispering. 

Jem. Whist, Nelly darling ! come here, and I'll show you the room ; 
there, that's it — [Points to d. l. f.] tho' devil fly away with me if I think 
it's over dacent of yez to be running after a man in this gait. 

Nelly. Fear nothing, Jemmy, and don't suppose I'd run after the 
monster for any other purpose but to expose and punish him. He's a 
traitor, Jemmy ; a base, perjured, false-hearted wretch, on Avhom I've 
wasted sighs and soap-suds for these ten months in the foolish belief 
that he would make me Mrs. Gaftles, as he has a thousand limes sworn 
to do r and now I find him here, about to make love to Miss Jemima 
Puncto, at the ball, and to maugre all her other gallants. 

Jemmy. The dirty blackguard ' Is he now ! 

Aelly. He is. Jemmy, but I've formed a plan to spoil his sport. 

Jemmy. Good luck to yez, ye don't say that 1 Oh! what is it, 
Nelly ? 

Nelly, This : he daren't show his vile face among the grand folks at 
the ball, without being in full dress. 



14 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Jemmy. Av course he daren't ; why he'd never think of going to the 
ball undress'd, sure ? 

Nelly. [^With spiteful glee.'] No, but full dress, means a tail-coat, 
Jemmy, a tail-coat ; he can't wear a Newmarket, nor a Shanghai, nor a 
linen duster, at a full-dress ball, he must have a tail-coat ; and he 
hadn't got one, so he borrowed a tail-coat, and — and — he asked me to 
pack up the tail-coat in his carpet-bag, and — and — Ha, ha, ha ! [Lau^h- 
ing vindictively^ I packed up the carpet-bag, but never a tail-coat. 

'jen,my. [Srnot/ieririir a violent laugh.'] Oh ! be dad, but that's iliigant ! 
Poor devil, what'U he do now ? 

Nelhj. Poor devil 1 Jemmy ! black devil, you mean ; but Pni a match 
for him this time, for he can't go to the ball after all, aha ! 

Jemmy. Faith, Nelly ! that's true for you, for the devil can never pass 
muster without a tail. 

Nelly. No, nor he can't borrow another, because every gentleman 
wants the one he's brought, for himself; so he may prowl round the 
house in his old linen sack, and peep in at the ball and the supper 
through the windows, and Fll take precious good care to be there to 
watch him, and laugh at the villain's mortification. 

\_Noise heard of knocking furniture abo7it in room, L. F. and Gaffles 
exclaims within, " Horror ! Horror !'' 

Jemmy. He's coming, Nelly ! run, you divil, run ! 

Nelly. Ah, aha ! he misses it ! Revenge ! Revenge 1 Revenge ! 

\^Excwit, L. 1 E 
Enter Gaffles, rushing out of b. l. f., all dressed but coat, and carrying 
carpet-bag. 

Gaff. Distraction! desperation I riot! ruin! — what's to be done 1 — 
[Shakes carpet-bag.] It isn't here — the hasn't sent it ! A coat — a coat ! 
my kingdom for a coat ! Oh, wretch ! oh, fiend ! — forget my precious 
coat! — my black dress coat! Had it pleased Nelly to try me with 
afflictions, left my suspenders, white cravat, or gloves, given to my 
washerwoman even my only vest, I could have found in some part of 
my bag a sop for patience ; but there, where I had garnered up my 
hopes, the tog upon the which my polka rests, or I dry up, to be de- 
prived of that ! Turn thy complexion here, [7\irning out bag.] Pa- 
tience, thou worn-out, used-up cherubim, and then look grim at Nell. 
Ah! horrible thought! — perhaps she left it out on purpose? I see it 
now ; she had read my note of invitation, and thus she wreaks her ter- 
rible revenge. Oh ! exquisite torturess ! What's to be done ? — the pre- 
cious moments fly betbre me. I can't go to the ball in a linen duster; 
dirty, too, at that ; yet, go 1 must, I will. Oh ! for some straggling 
visitor to pass this way — wore he a dress coat, I'd have it or his life. 
Hold! what if I explore these neighboring rooms ; I might find one in 
here — desperation urges me — I go, and it is done. Exit breathlessly. 
[Exit into room, k. f., and returns with dress coat.] Oh! miracle of for- 
tune ! — was ever known the like? As I'm a living, almost crazy, sin- 
ner, my precious Martyrman has been dressing in that room — dressing 
for this very ball, too, past a doubt — was ever such blessed luckl Oh ! 
admirable, excellent, provident man 1 — a second time he helps me in my 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 15 

need. No doubt he brought this extra dress coat, in case of some such 
fatal accident to some one, and how delighted will he be when he finds 
it is his bosom friend who profits by his forethougiit. Of course he is 
dressed, and already at the ball — let me not lose a moment, [Pulling on 
coal.] but fly to meet and bless him for my rescue. A new coat, too — 
oh ! [Runs into n. L. F., brings out hat, gloves, tf-c] There we are, com- 
plete at last; and now I'll on: the word — Jemima, GafHes, and vic- 
tory ! [Exil, L. 1 E. 

Enter Martyrman, r. 1 e., his hair handsomely dressed. 

Mart. Well, I declare I am fortunate : I knew I should be sure of oil 
in Poodletop's room ; but, egad, he had his hairdresser there, and he 
made him curl my hair. It occupied a little more time than I could 
well spare ; but, I must make up for it by extra haste now. I've not 
much to do, only my coat to put on, and get my gloves and handker- 
chief, and I shall be at Lily Lodge in a giffy. \_Exit into room, d. u. f. 
\^After a short pause, MAaxYRMAN is heard to give a dismal yell, and 

then exclaim : 
Mart. [In room.] Oh, dear ! oh, Lord ! I can't find it. Stephen ! — 
Waiter ! — my coat I 

[^Eushes in, pale and frightened, his hair standing on end, 4-c. He 

has his valise in his hand. 
Where is it] I'm ruined, if it a'n't here. [Turns valise upside down.] 
Oh ! ho, ho, ho ! what shall I do ] I can't go to the ball without it ; 
I've nothing else but this wretched bit of rag ; I can't dance in my linen — 
they wouldn't admit me if I could. Oh ! ho, ho, ho ! waiter ! somebody 
must have stolen it — Stephen never would have forgotten it — and yet, 
he may, he must, he has. [Calling very loudly and angrily.] Waiter ! 
oh! he can't hear me, and my bell is broken — what shall I do? I'll 
break into this man's room and insist on ringing his bell, and if he resist, 
I'll wring his neck. [Rushes into room. l. d. f. 

[Noise of knocking things about in room, l. f., and Martyrman 

rushes oni. 
Cus the room, it's got no bell! [Shouting.] Waiter! waiter! — Fire! — 
murder I thieves ! burglary ! — cutting and maiming ! 

Enter Jemmy, running, l. 1. e. 

Jemmy. Is the house o' fire, sir ? bad luck to us, what's the row 1 

Mart. [Rushing on and seizing Jemmy.] Oh, my coat, villain ! a new 
dress coat! where is il ! Give me one, or I'll strangle you on the spot. 

Jemmy. Oh, be aisy now, and don't be after squeezing the breath out 
of me ; what the devil do I know of your coat? Is it a waist-coat, or a 
great coat, or a shooting coat, or a dove-cote? 

Mart. [Throumig him off.] No, wretch ! it's a tail coat, and I've 
come without it. 

Jemmy. A tailcoat is it 1 Oh, but that's great, a tail coat1 Oh, 
ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Mart. Monster! do you laugh at my misery? [Coaxino-ly] Now, 
my good man, see here, here's half a dollar — you understand that, don't 
youl [Gices him one. 



16 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Jemmy. I'm not quite sure if I comprehend it entirely, sir; it's two 
of 'em makes a dollar, ain't it ] 

Mart. Yes, yes, there, that makes a dollar. {Gives another.'] Now, 
you understand that^ 

Jemmy. Oh, yes, sir ! to be sure, that makes a dollar, right enough ; 
but be dad I can never buy a tail coat with the matter of a dollar, sure. 

Mart. No, no ! I know that ; but tell me where I can buy one, or 
borrow one, beg one, or steal one, and five dollars, ten dollars shall be 
yours ; I'm ruined if I don't get one somewhere. I can't go to the 
ball without one. and if I don't go, Jemima's lost to me forever. 

Jemmy. Jemima, did you say, sir 1 Is it yourself that's come a court- 
ing Miss Jemima Puncto, of Lily Lodge 1 

Mart. It is my unfortunate self^ my good man. 

Jemmy. Then be dad, sir, I can tell ye a bit of a secret that'll start 
ye off to the Lodge, coat or no coat. 

Mart. You can 1 Oh, how 1 Speak 1 

Jemmy. As sure as my name's Jemmy, sir, the gentleman that's 
gone out of that room, is after courting Miss Jemima too, and the devil 
a bit did it trouble him what coat he went in, for the girl that should 
have packed up his dress-coat, kept it at home instead for a bit of re- 
venge on him, and as sure as eggs is eggs, he's gone to the house, if 
not into the ball-room, and it's on the premises he is at this moment ; 
you may jest bet a coach and horses of that. 

Mart. What, a rival ! courting Jemima ! Jem, Jemmy, James, who is 
he 1 name him, if he has a local habitation and a name. 

Jemmy. Faith that I can, sir ; his local habitation is a back attic in 
Mulberry street and the first letter of his name is Mr. Galliard Gaffles; 
Esq , and cetera, and cetera, and cetera. 

Mart. [Ocercome, and fanning himself.'] GafHes I Galliard Gaffles, 
the man I've fostered as a brother ! Reptile 1 why, James, I lent him 
a dress-coat this very day to go to a parly in, as he wrote me word, but 
he never told me where 1 

Jemmy. Yes, sir, and that same coat is in the safe-keeping of my 
own cousin, Nelly Nab, sir. 

Mart. Ah ! a light breaks in upon me. I did not come without my 
coat, but that wretch finding himself here without one, has burglarious- 
ly entered my room while I was in young Poodletop's, and feloniously 
abstracted my coat. 

Jemmy. Be dad, sir ; but I wouldn't wonder a bit. Oh, the ma- 
raudering vagabone ! Ha. ha, ha ! 

' Mart. Don't laugh, you brute, but get me my hat ; I believe it's in that 
room. I'll after the ruffian at once. 

Jemmy. Yes, sir. [Exit to room, n. r. f. 

Mart. If I stay here I shall choke, or have a fit, or be otherwise un- 
pleasant — I know I shall. 

[^Ertter Jemmy with hat, ichich Martyrm.'VN puts on violently. 

I'll not trust myself to reflect on the sensation already occasioned by 
my iibsence from the festive scene, nor will I picture Gaffles leading off 
the ball in my place and probably my coat with the lovely but imperious 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS, 17 

Jemima ; I will not unnerve myself with such phantasmagoria (if those 
horrors may be said to come under that head) at a moment when I 
need my utmost fortitude, but, James, lend me your arm — I'll, I'll go to 
the brilliant scene, and — and — tho' debarred by costume from mingling 
in the mazy — [Becotncs affected to tears. 

Jemmy. Oh, never fear, sir — you'll get a shy among 'em yet. 

Mart. \_Suddenly nerving himself. '\ Yes, Jemmy, you're right I will 
get at least a shy among 'em, for if I can't do anything else, I'll rush 
madly into Jemima's set and shy Gaffles out of the window. 

Jemmy. Good for you, sir. 

Mart. I'll do it Jemmy — I'm desperate, but I'll do it, and you shall 
see the act — so come, come, come. 

[^Seizing and dragging Jemmy off, l. 1, a la Damon — Jemmy pro- 
testing. 

Scene III. Gardens of Mrs. Puncto's house, as Scene 1st, Act 2d, 
illuminated, discovering hall-room, and compariy dancing — Band play- 
ing at whig, but stops as if ending a dance as 

Nelly Enters, v. e. r. 
Nelly. [Peeping about cautiously.'] I don't see anything of him about 
the grounds, and yet I know his oudacious impudence so well that V\n 
sure he won't go away without having a try to get a peep at the ball, 
tho' he can't get in. Oh ! what would I have given if Jemmy had but 
let me stay and see him storm and rave when he found I hadn't packed 
up his dress coat ! Aha ! and then his fury when he was obliged to put 
on his old linen thing — ah, ha, ha, ha ! a pretty figure for a ball-room 
he'd cut. Ah, some of the company are coming out here ; [Looking r.] 
two ladies and a gentleman ; ah ! he's something like a beau ; see how 
gracefully he bows and offers his arm, first to the young lady and then 
to the other; I wish he'd turn his face this way — 1 know he must be 
handsome ; he has such a fine elegant degaggy manner too. [Starts and 
suppresses a half-uttr.rcd scream.] Eh! can I believe my eyes ^ no, it 
can't be, but yet it is ; it must be, I can't be deceived ; as I'm a frantic 
lunatic, it's Gaffles ! and dress'd too — full dressed ; no linen sack, but 
a dress coat! he's circumnavigated my conspiracy, and polked in spite 
of me ! Oh ! the crocodile, how he grins ! that's Jemima, too ; why 
don't I fly at her and scratch out her eyes out ! hut no, I'll watch, ril 
listen ; I couldn't maugre her now — I haven't got the strength. I'll hide 
among the trees till I'm cool and collected, and then, oh, Jeupiter and 
General Jackson, won't I smash things ! [Retires and hides, l. 2. e. 

Enter Gaffles, Jemima, and Mrs. Puncto, /ro»i bal-lroom, l. n. 

Gaff, (r.) Oh! most atrocious conduct, my dear madam — unpardonnble, 
in fact ; how any man could be guilty of such neglect, I am at a total loss 
to conceive ; Mr. What's-his-name ought to be ashamed of himself 
[Aside.] I must deny all knowledge of Martyrman, or she may send me 
to look for him, and that might lie awkward. 

Jem. (c ) I'm sure I am infinitelv obliged to the gentleman for his ab- 
sence, and owe him many thanks for the substitute it has aflbrded us. 



18 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS, 

Mrs. P. Such an affront I never suffered in all my life. A pretty- 
ridiculous figure I am made to cut in the eyes of the whole company to 
whom I have mentioned the ill-bred oaf as my intended son-in-law ; 
and they know that this very party is given for the purpose of introduc- 
ing him in that light, and the wretch absents himself, leaves my child, 
whom from motives of policy, I had consented to sacrifice to him, 
leaves her to sing heigh-ho! for a husband, as if she were nobody : Oh! 
.1 could be the death of the wretch, I could. 

Jem. If there were any prospect of that, ma, I shouldn't so much ob- 
ject to his coming, as I expect he will, by the time the ball is over. 

Gaff. Miss Jemima, ladies both ; I feel so acutely the indignity put 
upon you, that altho' I cannot but (in a selfish point of view) rejoice at 
the absence of this vile creature, I look upon myself as in duty bound 
to offer myself as the champion of your outraged feelings, and beg your 
permission to chastise the culprit, when and wherever I may chance to 
meet him. 

Mrs. P. My dear Galliard, only promise me that you'll challenge 
him, and command the proof of my gratitude in any shape you 
please. 

Jem. If you'll only frighten him sufficiently to prevent his ever com- 
ing near me any more, you may command the proof of my gratitude in 
any shape you please. 

Mrs. P. Jemima I 

Jem. What, mayn't I be grateful too, ma 1 

Gaff. Oh, don't, I beseech you, my dear madam, don't restrict the 
incentives to my work of vengeance. You are both alike insulted ; if a 
demonstration should be made for both, ah, let me hope a demonstration 
may be made by both, and in your united cause, insure an invinceable 
demonstrator. 

Nellj/. Traitor! 

Mrs. P. Eh ! Lor bless me, how very singular, did you hear that 1 

Jem. Somebody said Traitor. 

Gaff. Somebody certainly said something ! Traitor, eh, oh ! Ha, ha, 
ha ! very good, very droll indeed. Ha, ha ! Traitor, yes, to be sure, don't 
you know what it was] 

Jem. j 

Gaff. It was Mr. Echo, calling names. 
Mrs. P. Echo? 

Gaff. Yes, to be sure ; I called upon you to insure for your cause 
an invincible demonstrator. Echo, facetious echo, answers, " Traitor." 
Mrs. P ) 
Jem \ ^'^' *^ ^'° '^"'"^ ' well, that is droll indeed. 

Gaff. [Aside.^ I wonder if it was an echo 1 — Funn}^ isn't it 1 Suppose 
I try it again ! 

Ladies. Oh, yes ! do, do, by all means. 

Gaff. 1 will. I'll ask who I acknowledge as my heart's idol. 

Mrs P. Oh, fie ! Mr G., before two ladies ! 

Jem. Bo cautious ! [Aside. 

Gaff. [Aside] All right — yes, I will, Pra determined I will. 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 



19 



Mrs P. Take care— the answer will let us into your secret. 
Gaff I don't care— I don't believe echo's ever tell tales— so here goes 
—Facetious echo, who have I sworn the empress of my heart ? Is not 
her name Jemima ] 

Nelly. No, Nell Nab !— , , j 

[Ladies scrca7n and rush into house. Gaffles looks round, sees 

Nelly app^achinfr him, and bolts after them. 

Kelly [Comin<r forward, c] Ah, you mucilaginous wretch, you run, 

do you ' but I'll hunt you out before I've done with you, trust me I will. 

Oh, why did I hang back when I had 'em, both here together! but I 

couldn't help it, my nerves were so coUywobbly I wasn't equal to the 

eftort, but I'll be even with him yet. I'll lay in wait for hmi if I wait 

all ni'crht ; and when, once again. I get a fair chance at him, oh !- 

° [Musk and dancing begin m ball-room. 

Mart. [Outside, r. u. e.] Come, come— come» Jemmy, resistance is 
vain; come. Jemmy, come 1 i v tu 

Nelly. Vv'hv, there's a man dragging my cousin. Jemmy, here, by the 
collar ; what can he have been doing, I wonder 1 I'll watch and hsten. 

[Retires, h. 2 e. 

Enter Martykman, r. u. e., dragging Jemmy. 

31arf. Come, come along— come. Jemmy, come. 
Jc7nmy. Be gorra, sir, and ain't 1 come ! and I came as fast as you 
chose to bring me ; and see, sir, there they are, footing it away for dear 

life 

Mart. [Rushijig to windows.] Here's a situation ! Oh ! I shall go a 
]on<r way out of my mind, and never get back again, if this continues. 
[ Takes card from vest pocket.] It's a polka they're perpetratmg now— 
within two of the last dance before supper ; if I don't gel a coat within 
the next ten consecutive minutes, 1 shall not only be done out of the 
dance, but victimized in the more momentous question of victuals. Ah . 
I see the cursed cabbager of my coat, the surreptitious spoiler ot my suit, 
and in his arms the gorgeous Jemima ! I can't stand it any longer. 

JSntcr Waiter, from ball-room, l. 

Here, waiter, my good man, run, this instant 

Waiter. Yes, sir, I'm running. - [J^^ii, running, R. 1 e. 

Jemm?/. Sure, that's a nice, obliging boy, sir. . , -u , 

J/ar«. Heartless wretch! but it's like the world. Ill try bribery. 
Here comes another. 

Enter Second Waiter /;o7H hall-room. 
See here, mv fine fellow, you're a humane creature- 1 see it in your 
face ; there, take that, [Gives him money] and now, just 

'Zd Waiter. Yes, sir, I'm human, I am— thank vou. sir. 

[Exit, ruyining, R. 1 k. 

Mart. Stop, you thieving rascal— come back, or 

Jemmy. Be dad, sir, tliat's human, sure onough. 

Mart: Ugh ! the stupid ass. Ah ! a brilliant thought. I II get some 



20 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

gentleman to lend me his coat, for two minutes, to rush into the ball- 
room with, and 

JEnter Mb. Slim, from hall-room, /aiming. 

Sir, my dear sir, my very dear sir, you see before you a man, whose 
coat is torn — no, I mean, whose heart is torn by the most violent emo- 
tions — a respectable, a peaceable, a decent man, during the entire period 
of his puberty, with the single exception of this one single instance, 
and now you behold him evincing the most frantic desire to enter a ball- 
room, but totally baffled, repulsed, and kept out, bv that flimsiest of 
barriers — a white linen coat. 

Slim. Well, really, sir 

Mart. No, my excellent friend, not at all ; you are not detaining me 
in the least, as you will instantly perceive, [Slopping Slim.] Into that 
ball-room I must go — into that ball-room I cannot go in a white linen 
coat ; but into this white linen coat, if you will precipitate yourself for 
the ridiculously small space of two minutes, and suffer me to launch 
myself into your unusually well-cut black dress superfine, you will 
enable me to accomplish the two objects nearest my heart — the exposure 
of a monster, and a shy at the supper. [Taking off coat. 

Sli7n. Sir, you have the advantage of me. 

3Tart. Not a bit of it, my boy — I never saw you before in all my life. 

Slim. But, indeed, sir, I don't know you, and— 

3fart. [Attempting to get off Stui's coat.'] Don't apologize — I forgive 
all that, and more, before you ask it. 

Jemmy. [Attempting to get Slim's coat.] To be sure, that don't make 
the least bit of difference. 

Slim. [Struggling.] But, sir — I insist — I object 

Mart. [Having got Slim's coat.] No, no, you don't, you're not the 
man you think you are ; I know you — you're a Samaritan, you are. 

Jemmy. Is he, now 1 Good luck to you, sir, — are you Sam Harring- 
ton 1 Oh, but I'm glad of that. 

[Forcing wldte coat on Slim, while Martyrman tries to get on dress 
coat, ivhich is much too small for him — Slim protesting. 
Hurrah ! sir, it's all right ; it's a beautiful, liberal fit, ain't it now 

Mart. A fit ! look here, here's liberality ! But don't be disheartened, 
my kind, disinterested friend, I'll accomplish it — it's my Sebastopol, and 
I will enter it ; [Struggles, and tears coat up back.] there, I told you 
so; the works are destroyed, and there's nothing left to cover the 
retreat. 

Sli7n. Sir, this is an outrage you shall answer for. [7 a king off and 
throwing down white coat.] Take your infernal linen rag, and give me 
my coat. [Snatches black coat, which Martykman Jtas take7t off', and puis 
it on in a great rage.] You shall pay for this, if a policeman can be 
found. [Exit, r. 1 e. 

Jemmy, (l. c.) Then you won't have to pay much, sir, will you ? 

Mart. Oh, go to the devil — you very little beast. 

[Hushing to window, l., and looking in. 

Nelly. [Advancing, c] .Jemmy, what's this I've heard • 

Jemmy. What, Nelly, you here 1 bedad here's the gentlsman that's 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 21 

courting Miss Jemima, and your broth of a boy has taken his coat, 
and by this time 

Mart. [lieturning to c] What's that 1 "Who said coat 1 

Jcmyny. Sure that was me, sir ; here's the poor girl that Mr. Gaffles 
promised to marry, and who kept back his coat to prevent his coming to 
the ball. 

Mart, (l.) Ah! is it sol Are you my prospective avenging angeU 
Is it indeed you who possessed yourself of the coat I lent the traitor 
Gaffles { 

Nelly, (c.) Yes, mister, it is jest me. 

Mart. {^Seizing her hand.] Ah I a thought strikes me — answer me 
categorically, correctly, tho' concisely — you didn't send the coatl 

Nelly. \^Imitatlng his hurried manner.] I didn't. 

Mart. You kept possession of the coat ! 

Nelly. I didn't keep anything else. 
■ Mart. Ah, fortune! glory! it beams, it shines ! You — you — kept pos- 
session of the coat — and — and — as only a sylph, an angel, a guardian 
genius could, would, or should do, you've brought the coat with you, — 
and the coat is, at this propitious moment, 

Nelly. Under the trundle-bed, in the back attic of number a hundred 
and 'ieventcen. Mulberry street. 

J/ar. \^rhr owing her off.] Wretch! reptile! [Rushes to icindows, -l., 
again.] Ah ! the crisis has arrived ! the supper is about to be an- 
nounced. To be virtuous is said to be happy, but forbearance at such a 
moment ceases to be a virtue, and with the fading prospect of supper, 
happiness recedes in proportion. One more effort for decency and a 
dress coat, and failing then, f plunge undressed into their meandering 
midst. 

Jemmy. Sir, sir, here comes a gentleman with a coat on him that's 
jest the cut, but he don't look like one you can take it away from with- 
out his leave. 

Nelly. Oh, why didn't I bring the other coat with me, that you might 
go and pull him out ? 

Mart. Because you were a blindly besotted and befogged little idiot. 
Oh, sweet Mrs. Necessity, kind, affectionate mother of invention, inspire 
with a thought that will obtain 

Nelly. I have it, sir. 

Mart. What — a coat ? 

Nelly. No, sir ; a thought that may prove father to a coat, and that'll 
be of more use than the mother of invention. 

Mart. Out with it ! 

Nelly. The first man that comes along with the right coat on, offer to 
fight him for it. 

Mart. Ingenious, but perilous device — but, ah ! the thought has come. 
Fight I had rather not ; but, challenge him I will. 

Jemmy. But, bcdad, if he accept the challenge, you'll have to fight 
then, sir. 

Mart. Short-sighted Hibernian, no : I want his coat, not his cuffs. 
He comes — now, mark my stratagem. 



22 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Enter Mr. Dabfist /rom ball-roojn, l. 

Mart. [As Dabfist passes him to c] Sir, you're a scoundrel! 

[Dabfist turns quickly round, and hits Martyrman a full blow in 
the face. 

Jemmy. Be gorra, I thought so. 

Mart. Hollo ! that ain't what I meant — that ain't my plan. 

Dab. [Gives card.^ There's my card, sir, if you want anything fur- 
ther. 

Nelly. Don't give it up yet. 

Mart. No, sir ; I scorn you and your card, sir. You've struck me, 
and here, on this spot, I challenge you to fight it out. 

Dab. This is no place for any such blackguard exhibition, sir. Fol- 
low me, and 

Mart. No, nor is any other place the place for a coward, sir. 

Dab. Coward ! [Rushes at Martyrman, who retreats. 

Mart. Yes, sir ! I said it, and I stick to it ; but no more of your sud- 
den attacks — off with your coat, sir, like a man, and then I'm for you. 
There — there's my example. 

[ Takes of his white coat, and throws it down. 

Dab. And I'll soon follow it, to your cost. 

[Hastily takes off his coat and throwK it on Martyrman's. 
Now, sir, come on. [Squaring up to him. 

Mart. Eh ! what do I see 1 Stop, sir ! My gracious ! what have I 
done ? Jemmy, Nelly — it's not the man ! 

i^Tr^ \ [^^"J»^«^«c«%-] No, sir ; I thought not. 

Dab. Not the man ? — what do you mean ? 

Mart. Sir, my dear sir, my much-injured and insulted sir, accept my 
most profound and humble apology for my disgraceful conduct ; but my 
rage was blind. A wretch, sir, who revels in that gay assembly, has 
injured me — cut me to the quick — you entered, I took you for my foe, 
and hence your indignities and my black eye. 

Dab. Oh ! if that's the case, sir, I accept your apology, and am sorry 
for the blow I gave you. 

Mart. Don't name it, my dear good sir ; but, I must delay no longer. 
I'll rush into the ball-room, and drag the villain out, [Hastily putting on 
the black coat] at all hazards, and at any cost. 

Nelly. Do, sir, do. Fetch him out by the scruff of his neck. 

Dab. But. my good sir, you're taking my coat. 

Mart. Don't apologize, sir — don't mind me ! Now, rascal, dread 
my vengeance ! [Exit, r. 2. — Jemmy and Nelly laugh violently. 

Nelly. Well, savage as I am, I can't help laughing at that. I say, sir, 
he got the best of you that time, [Jemmy and Nelly laugh violeiUly. 

Dab. Curse the fellow, he's left me nothing but an infernal linen 
coat 1 "What am I to dol — I can't go back to the ball-room in this ! 

Nelly. Ah ! perhaps when he meets Galliard, they'll settle matters in 
the ball-room, and not come out here at all. — That won't do ; the bare 
thought of it almost gives me a digestion of the brain. Jemmy, we 
must have him out. 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 23 

Jemmy. To be sure we must. 
Dab. He must come out, or I shall get no supper. 
Nelly. He shall come out, and all the party with him. 
Dab. But how's it to be done ] 

Nelly. I'll show you ; Jemmy, follow your leader — Fire ! Fire 1 
Jemmy. \^Shoutmg.'\ Fire! Fire! 

Dab. What the devil are you about ! — you'll raise the whole neighbor- 
hood 

Nelly. I don't care if I raise the old boy himself, so go it Jemmy. 

[They continue shouting "fire!" till the company in ball-room 
scream ayid rush out on to the stage. Wheyi all else on^ 

Enter Martybman, dragging out Gaffles, all the company exclaiming, 
" Where's the fire 1" &c. 

Mart. [^Bringing Gaffles /oru'arc?.] I've got him, I've got him — he is 
out! 

Nelly. And so's the fire. 

Mrs. P. What wretch has caused all this alarm ? 

Dab. This girl, my dear madam, who would 

Nelly. No, ma'am, it was that wretch [^Pointing to Gaffles.] who 
wouldn't 

Mart. Yes, ma'am, this wretch who couldn't be content with borrow- 
ing one coat to deprive me of my peace, but must steal another coat to 
supplant me in my suit. 

Gaff. Unhand me, maniac. [ T/^rowT^ Martyrman ojf.] What vile con- 
spiracy is this 1 Am I assailed by the author of the grossest insult 
that female sensibility ever experienced ? Is my calumniator he who 
when the festive hour had called together congratulating friends, left 
the blushing object of their solicitude, and his plighted vows, to realize 
the burning shame of his base desertion 1 Is this the recreant Martyr- 
man I've sworn to punish 1 

Mrs. P. [Agitated and affected.'] Yes, my friends, this is the ungrate- 
ful man to whom I had promised my daughter — whose name I had an- 
nounced to you as her intended husband ; in whose honor I had assem- 
bled you together, and who in return insults me, my friends, and inno- 
cent child, by purposely absenting himself from the festive scene. 

Jem. [Laughing aside, but assuming distress.] Oh! oh! oh! Ma, it's 
too. too, too much ! [Sobs and cries. 

Company. Shame ! shame ! Duck him ! thrash him ! Tar and feather 
him, <fec. 

Mart. Flesh and blood can't stand this. Hear me, I say, only hear 
me — 

[Company groan, and cry, " Shame !" &c. 

Mart. I — I — I— Fire and furies. [Rushes up stage. 

Gaff. What ! is the valiant Martyrman vanquished ] does the traitor 
sink in the mire of his misdeeds 1 what new assailant must I crush out 
like him 1 

Nelly. [Advancing beside him, l.] Nell Nab ! 

Gaff. (L. c.) Of all girls else, I have avoided thee ! but get thee gone 
— my soul is too much charged with suds of thine already. 



24 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Nelly, (l.) It's false, you wretch ! I never charged you one red cent 
for all the times I've washed your only shirt. 

\^Ladies give a faint scream. 

Gaff. Rash girl, forbear ! \_Scizing her arm. 

Nelly. [Breaking from him.'] I won't ! I'll show you up, if I can't do 
nothing else. Don't think I value your false oaths and broken promises 
of marriage, no I go to your Jemima ; marry her ; but when the wed- 
ding day arrives, and you're lying in bed waiting for the arrival of 
your 

Gaff. No, Nelly, for pity !— 

Ncily. [Vehemcnthj'] I will! if it shocks all creation. [Speaking very 
fast lohi/e he attempts to prevent her.] I say, lying in bed waiting the 
arrival of your only shirt ! [Composedly .] Then when you are trembling 
for fear the washerwoman will hold on to it as collateral for all her little 
bills, then shut your eyes, pull the clothes over your vile treacherous 
head, and think upon Nell Nabl 

Jemmy. Good for you, Nelly 1 

Miss P. What ridiculous rhodomontade is this 1 some further shame- 
ful trick. 

Mart. [Advancing with melancholy dignity.] " This poor woman 
teaches me my duty" — my friends ! 

All Camp. Oh turn him out ! Stop his mouth, &c. 

Mart. Zounds ! I will be heard 1 I ask no favors. For you, mum, 
[To Mrs. Puncto.] repentance will come, soon enough; you're no 
chicken, and remorse will tickle you up, in something very considerably 
less than no time. {Mrs. V. flounces from him indignantly. — To JemI- 
MA,] For you, Miss, [Affected] I have only to say, riot in your un- 
righteousness, and glory in your Gaffles. I renounce my claim to your 
hand, release you from the promise of your mother, since you can per- 
secute a victim as a criminal ; but as for this base, unblushing — 

Gaff. Stop, stop, old fellow 1 don't call names, though they are ever 
so well deserved. Since you relinquish your claim to Jemima, I'll own 
up like a man, and take the consequences of starting in the contest for 
her hand with all my faults confess'd. I did cause all your troubles 
and vexations, and your absence from the ball by borrowing your coat 
from your room at the hotel to supply the place of the one which Nelly 
forgot to pack up for me. But as example is better than precept, I'll 
make you a present in compensation, and also in the hope that an ex- 
cellent friend of mine, will do the same by me. Nelly, come here — I 
owe you a reparation, and am resolved, harshly as you think of me, to 
make it. [Jemima expresses surprise, and Nelly joy.] I will own it 
costs me a struggle, but there, be happy ! 

[Joining Nelly's and Martyrman's hands. 

Mart. Oh, go to the devil ! [Throwing Nelly of. 

Nelly. [Flouncing away.] Wretch 1 [Company laugh. 

Mrs. P. [Advancing with Jemima ] My friends, I perceive that we 
have acted precipitately and unjustly towards Mr. Martyrman ; he is a 
victim, not a criminal, therefore we owe him every apology ; but as all 
is said to be fair in love, and as my daughter accepts, with my sanction, 
the resignation of his hand, though I was his firmest advocate, while I 



ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 25 

believed her heart disengaged, now that I learn her affections have long 
been another's I trust that Mr. Marlyrman will not bear malice, if I 
bestow her hand on the man of her heart, although he be his success- 
ful rival. Will you forgive us, Mr. M. ? 

[Mks. p. a7td Jemima on either side 0/ Martvrman. 

Mart. With all my heart — that is, all I have left of it ; only acquit me 
of any intentional rudeness or indecency, and I am satisfied any way ; 
so there take her, Gaftles, and joy go with you both. 

[Joi7is there hands; Company exclaim: " Bravo ! good! &c." 

Jemmy. [Bringivg forrvard Nelly.] I ax ycr pardon, ladies and gen- 
tlemen, if you please, but here's my cousin, Nelly, as good and honest 
a girl as ever stepped in shoe-leather, and all I'd have you to know 
more of her is, that ye need have no fear of her commencing a suit for 
breach of promise against Mr. Gaffles, there, for, if I understood the look 
of her eye just now, it said. Jemmy, ye blackguard, I'll take pity on you. 

Nelly. Well, Jemmy, I vowed Id do something desperate when I left 
New York, and so jest to prove that I han't come all the way to New 

Brighton for nothing, there 

[^Gives him her hand — Company bravo, <IJ-c. 

Gaf. Huzza ! bravo, Jemmy, you're a brick. Nelly, forgive me this 
once (I'll never do so any more,) and you shall do all the washing at 
the highest market price for me— and the family. Martyrman, my boy, 
give us your hand, forget old grievances, and let's be jolly ; supper is 
ready, and 

3Iarl. Is it 1 well, then, just to save time, there's my hand. 

Gaff. That's your sort — and now to supper, with what appetite ye 
may. 

[All going, R., when Dabfist taps Martyrman on sJwulder, remind- 
ing him of exchange of coats. 

Mart. Eh ! oh, lord, ah ! I forgot that ; I'm floored again. I say, old 
fellow, do you particularly care about supper I 

Dab. Particularly. 

3fart. Then, I suppose I must — eh 1 

Dab, Inevitably. [Company lati^h. 

Mart. Well, what can't be cured, must be endured. 

[They exchange coats. 

Dab. Thank you. 

3Iart. Ah ! but I say, stop. Master Gaffles— it's a poor rule that 
won't work both ways — here's another chance, by Jupiter. Come, I've 
forgiven your dancing off with my intended wife by the aid of my dress 
coat ; but hang me if you're going to make a cloak of it to do me out 
of my supper. 

Gaff". Eh! that is awkward, isn't if? Come, I'll tell you what I'll 
do ; I'll toss you who shall wear it, and the loser shall be voted eligible 
to the supper-room in the white linen. 

Mart. On those conditions : sky your copper ! 

Gaff. First time. Now [losses penny. 

Mart. Tails ! 

Gaff. [Picking up ccjit.] Heads ! 



26 ONE COAT FOR TWO SUITS. 

Mart. Of course — there's been a run of tails against me all day ; 
never mind — am I eligible to the supper-room ! 

Everybody. Yes, yes — certainly. 

Mart. Then, let's in at once ; and I hope, all present, will join in the 
first sentiment I shall propose, which shall be to the long and success- 
ful wear of the one coat that has answered for two suits. 

GUESTS. 

K. Nklly. Jem. Mrs. P. Martyrman. Gaffles. Jemima, l. 



THE END 



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suitable for school exhibitions, and social entertainment ; this want has 
compelled the compiler, during a long course of teaching, to devote con- 
siderable time in gleaning from innumerable sources, for the especial 
use of his own pupils, such pieces as are best calculated to please both 
the reciter and the audience ; and he believes that the result of his 
labor will be acceptable to those who wish to practice the important art 
of elocution, either for amusement or emolument. The dramatic pieces 
will be found quite an original feature, inasmuch as they are not mere 
extracts, or mutilated scenes ; but although in some instances, consider- 
ably altered from the originals, they still retain an entire plot, and all 
the wit and humor that could consistently be preserved ; and are ar- 
ranged, and adapted especially for juvenile representation — everything 
oltjectionable has been carofullv expunged, and they have in their y?re- 
scnt form received the unqualified approbation of numerous intellectual 
and select audiences, before whom they have been presented by the 
pupils of the adapter. — Extract from the Author's Preface 

Publisher, 121 Nassau-street, New York. 

321 Broadway, New York. 
S. C. «ISIGGS & CO., 

Chicago, 111. 

- ■ r 



io^lbt 



{Catalogue continued from second page of cover. "^ 

VOL. xvni. 

Niffht and Morning, 
^thinp. 

Three Guardsmen, 
Tom Crinple, 
HpnrieftP,the Forsak'n 
Enstache Baudin, 
Ernest Maltravers, 
Bold Dragoonsv 



VOL. XVI. 

121. The Tempest, 

122. The Pilot, 

123. Carpenter of Rouen, 

124. King's Rival. 
125 Little Treasure, 
126. nomby & Son, 
127 Parents and Guardians 
128. Jewess. 



VOL. XVIL 

129. Camille 

130. Mnrried Life, 

131. WenlockofWenlock, 

132. Rose of Ettrlckvale, 
13:1. David Copperfintd, 
134. Aline or the Rose of 
13,'i. Pnuline, [Killarney, 
136. Jane Eyre. 



137. 
138. 
130. 
140. 
141. 
142. 
143 
144. 



VOL XIX 

145. Dred ; or, the Dismal 

Swamp. 

146. Last Days of Pompeii. 

147. Esmeralda. 

148. Peter VVilkins. 

149. Ren the Boatswain. 

150. Jonathan Bradford. 

151. Retribution. 

152. Mineralll. 



VOL. XX. 

153, French Spy. 

154, Wept of Wish-ton- 

Wish. 

155, Evil Genius. 
1.56. Ben Bolt, 

157. Sailor of France. 

158. Red Mask. 

159. Life of an Actress, 

160. Wedding Day. 



VOL. XXL 

161. All's Fair in Lore. 

162. Hofer. 

163. Self. 

164. Cinderella. 
16.5. Phantom. 

166. Franklin. 

167. The Gun Maker of 

Moscow. 

168. The Love of a Prince. 



THE SPANL«?H WIFE: by Samuel M. Smuckkr, Esq., with a Portrait and Me- 
moir of EDWIN FORREST. Price 12 X cents. 

THE OATH OF OFFICE ; by Charles James Cannon, Esq., with a Portrait of 
the Author. Price 12>^ cents. 

GUTTLE AND GULPIT. Price 12X cents. 

TEN OF THE ABOVE PLAYS FOR «1 00. 



American Plays 12^ Cents each, or 10 for $L00. 



All orders will receive prompt attention. 
N. B. — A new play published every week. 



S. FRENCH, 122 Nassau Street, up stairs, N. Y 



Important change in the Postage law. All transient matter must be Pre-paid. 

Plays sent by Mail, and Postage Pre-paid, on receipt of 12X cents each, in 
money or stamps 10 Plays sent by Express for $1 00. 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 




018 



604 241 4 i . 



nmm minor drama, 

Price 12^ Cents each — Bound Volumes $1. 



VOL. I. 

1. The Irish Attorney, 

2. Boots at the Sw;in, 

3. How to pay the Rent, 

4. The Loan of a Lover, 

5. The Dead Shot, 

6. His Last Legs, 

7. The Invisible Prince, 

8. The Golden Farmer. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 

of Mr. JOIh\ SEFTON. 

VOL. IV. 

25. Secret Service, 

26. Omnibus, 

27. Irish Lion, 

28 MaidofCroissey, 
29. The Old Guard, 
30 Raising the Wind, 
3L Slasher and Crasher, 
32. Naval Engagements. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 
of M'ss ROSE TELBIN. 



VOL. VIL 

49. Box and C>x Married 

50. St. Cupid, [and Settled, 

51. Go to bed Tom, 

52. The Lavi'yers, 

53. Jack Sheppard, 

54. The Toodles. 

55. The Mobcap, 

56. Ladies Beware. 

With a Portrait ard Memoir 
of SOL SMITH. 



VOL. II. 

9. Tiie Pride of the Market, 

10. U.sed Up, 

11. 'I'he Irish Tutor, 

12. The Barrack Room, 

13. Luke the Laborer, 

14. BetMitv and the Beast, 

15. St. Patrick's Eve, 

IC. CniKain of the Watch. 

With a Portrait and Memoir 

of Mi<sC. WEMYSS. 

VOL. V. 

33. Cocknics in California, 

34. Who Speaks First, 

35. Bom bastes Furioso, 

36. Macbeth Travestie, 

37. Irish Ambassador, 
38- Delicate Ground, 

39. The Weathercock, 

40. All that Glitters is not 

Gold. 
With a Portrait and Memoir 
of W. A. GOOD ALL. | 

VOL. VIIL 

57. Morning Call, 

58. Popping the Question, 

59. Deaf as a Post, 

60. New Footman, 

61. Pleasant Neighbor, 

62. Paddy the Piper, 

63. Bryan O'Lynn, 

64. Irish Assurance. 



VOL. III. 

J7. The Secret, 

18. White llorsGofthePep- 

19. The .Tacobite, f p. r.s 

20. The Eoiilc, 

21. Box and Cox, 

22. Bambiiozliig. 
23.. Widow's Victim. 
24. Robert M;!caire. 

Wi:h a Portrait : r.d Memoir 
ofMr.F. S.CHANFRAU. 

VOL. VL 

41. Grinishaw, Bagsi.aw, 

and Bradshaw, 

42. Rough Diamond, 
j43. Bloomer Costume, 
[44. Two Bonnycastles, 

45. Born to Good Luck, 

46. Kiss in the Dark, 

47. 'Tvvould Puzzle a Con 

48. Kill or Cure. [j"for, 
With a Portrait and Memoir 

of F. M. KENT. 

VOL. IX. 

65. Temptation, 

66. Paddy Carey, 

67. Two Gregories, 

68. King Charming, 

69. Pocahontas, 

70. Clockmaker's Hat, 
71 Married Rake, 

72. Lo\'e and Murder, 



VOL. X. 

73. Ireland and America, 

74. Pretty Piece of Business, 

75. Irish Broom-maker, 

76. To Paris and Back for £5 

77. That Blessed Baby, 

78. Our Gal, 

79. Swi'^s Cottage, 

80. Young Widow. 

VOL. AlIL 

97. My Wife's Mirror. 

98. Life in New York. 
99 Middy Ashore. 

100. «'rown Prince. 

101. Two Queens. 

102. Thumping Legacy. 

103. Unfinished Gentleman. 

104. House Dog. I 



VOL. XL 

31. O'Flanni^an andFairies 

82. Irish Post, 

83. My Nciirhhor's Wife, 

84. Irish Tiger, 

85. P. P. or Man and Tiger, 

86. To Ohlice Benson, 

87. St-ite Secrets, 
Itiiti Yankee. 

VOL XIV. 

105. The Demon Lover 

106. Matrimony. 

107. In and Out of Place. 

108. I Dine with my Mother. 

109. Hiawatha, 
no. Andy Blake. 
111. Love in 'T6. 



VOL. XIL 

89. A Good Fellow, 

90 Cherry and Fair St.- 

91, Gale Breei^ely, 

92. Our Jemimy, 
9.3. Miller's Maid, 
94. AvvkwardArrival, 
9.5. Crossing the Line, 
96. Conjugal Lesson. 



t^T' American Plays 12>^ cents each. Sent by Mail, on receiptor price. 
N. B.— A new Play published every week. 

^^ „ , , , S. FRE^ CH, 122 Nassau Street, New York. 

W^ See extract from new Postage Law, on preceeding page. 



